I’m going to start making up obnoxiously stupid answers every time someone tells me how young I look
“I’m actually a past version of myself, I had to time travel forward and kill the original because he became a juggalo”
“a witch cursed me on my seventeenth birthday and now I can only appear as my true age if someone kisses me, then she gave me this nose to make sure that wouldn’t happen”
“I’m two kids stacked on top of each other, I just wanted to see an R rated movie but things got way out of hand”
“yeah I had to stop a supervillain from flooding the water supply with a
de-aging serum because it would have killed all the babies, so I just…
ate all of it”
“I’m harboring the soul of an egyptian pharaoh who looks exactly like me but like a foot taller and way sexier”
“I was supposed to be a small nerdy sidekick but god forgot to assign me a protagonist to follow around so I’m just doin my thing”
Almost all of Indiana is terrible, but I really don’t think Carmel gets enough derision. Fucking Carmel! Tacky, overpriced, full of rich people, and littered with shitty statues. I hate it!
There are statues all over the sidewalks downtown, but they’re not cool statues. They’re not commemorating important historical figures, they’re not creative artistic pieces, they’re not interactive. They’re just unsettling, obtrusive, and garishly-painted statues of random civilians who look like residents of Pleasantville, like “old woman with grocery bag”:
or “white cop poised to jokingly slap your ass for a photo”:
and “corporate shill taking up bench space to keep homeless people from sleeping on it”:
They’re always in the way, they never move when you say “excuse me”, you’re constantly mistaking them for real people, and they’re UGLY. They’re so UGLY!
Dear Carmel, scrap them all and hire living statues. Mimes. I will forgive you cursed city for its crimes if you become the mime hotspot of Indiana.
Hey my hometown has one of those weird cop statues
like… the same one
SLAPPING ASSES ACROSS THE UNITED STATES
I used to live in Carmel, Indiana, and my driver’s ed teacher told me he liked to dress up as a fisherman on the weekend, and sit on an empty bench near these with his rod and tackle box, and hold perfectly still. He liked scaring people when they came up to take a picture of the “new statue”.
Your driver’s ed teacher was an entrepreneur and I think this should be how we take down Carmel, Indiana. We descend upon the town en masse as a plague of living statues.
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