Tag: don’t reblog

so at work there’s 4 people currently in training. the two i got hired with are both laterals so they’re zooming through most of training and the last one started around the time we started the hiring process so she’s just starting the last phase of training right now. so basically i’m the only one who is at my stage and i don’t have any idea of how far i’m supposed to be? like everyone’s like “fire training is 5 weeks” and i’m like 3 weeks in i think (time is meaningless and i have no idea how long anything’s been) and i’m definitely learning and progressing but really slowly and i have this terrible fear that they’re gonna fire me because of all the times people have talked about how some people just can’t do it or aren’t making improvements so they were asked to leave because they couldn’t cut it. and i really don’t want that to be me but i don’t know where i’m supposed to be at because i feel like i get a lot of things right but i’m still learning and trying. my trainer’s been here for 5 years and i feel like she expects me to know a lot of things that are second nature to her because of her experience and so i feel stupid when i don’t know. but also i don’t know how to bring it up because it’s just this one big room where anybody’s gonna listen to whatever you say and i cry whenever i try to talk about anything and i don’t want to be the girl at work who cries because i don’t know these people well enough yet to cry in front of them. (nobody really tries to get to know me so i spend a lot of time trying to jump into conversations and chat with people because i want to be friends with people and they’re all good pals but it seems like they have so many people fail out of training that they’re not that invested in getting to know trainees which is fair but sucks for me)

also because of scheduling, this past week and another week coming up, i just keep getting passed to different trainers and it just sucks because everyone keeps talking about how you regress some every time you change trainers and i can’t do anything about it because i’m not going to cancel my primary trainer’s vacation time even if i could because who does that? but it’s just difficult because i feel like i’m not sure if i’m learning sometimes.

most calls i get a lot of things right but not always the same calls. some questions i remember to ask one time i forget the next time because i have a thousand things to think about at any given time and i don’t have the experience to know what’s relevant in every situation. after any given call, my trainer will tell me the things i did wrong and things i forgot and then i write them down in my notebook in the hopes that i will remember next time (and in the hopes that the phone won’t ring until i’m done writing because if i don’t get it written i’m not getting the thought back). anyways today i cried on my lunch break because i took an alarm call today and she told me i did a great job on it. i knew i could do alarm calls well because they’re pretty straight forward but it’s also like the first time that i just got a solid compliment without having to ask for it. also she sat me down seperately and went over my daily report with me and i ended up crying and explaining that i feel like i don’t know where i’m supposed to be at and i feel like i’m progressing but very slowly and she said she’d email and work on setting up a meeting for me with my trainer and the department head. which sounds terrifying but maybe things will start getting better? i’m still doing training for calls while i train for fire but i’d probably go back to just doing calls if they’d let me because i’m not really confident with calls that much at all. only a few kinds and if they’re really straightforward. anyway i’ve been feeling very bad and stupid about work for a good chunk of time now.

having a grown up job is very weird because i’m a youth just out of college used to being surrounded by other youths and now all of a sudden i have coworkers who’ve been married for ages or have kids and then of the group who are closer to my age, one’s pregnant, one’s engaged, everybody lives with a significant other and the hot topic is whether so-and-so’s boyfriend of 7 years is gonna propose while they’re away for new years and all i’m doing in life is arguing with an officer about whether he looks “v young” (he absolutely does, and listing every officer who’s younger than him isn’t going to make him look any older)

all my errands that have to be done during business hours or while people aren’t sleeping have to be done right when i get up or i’ll lose my opportunity so here’s the things i haven’t done today:

  • laundry
  • go to the pharmacy
  • clean my bathroom
  • exist in the sunlight like a human being
  • go to target

working graves is fine, but on my off days it’s really lonely because i’m staying up the whole night by myself and missing everyone doing things because i sleep during the day. last night i went to walmart but it felt very bad and so i came home and made bread and talked to myself

so my new job has me working 11am-9pm for the next two weeks and then i shift to graves which is about 9pm-7am and then i believe 8pm-6am for the new year so my time on here is gonna be really wonky because i definitely can’t be on here at work because i’d have to download tumblr savior or something onto a city computer to try to block nsfw stuff and none of that is worth it. i’ll still be around but less, probably

i’ve dropped my computer too many times so it’s got a loose wire somewhere and the screen blinks black all the time and it goes to sleep whenever it wants and parts of the casing are just breaking off so it’s clearly time for a new one and i found the perfect one on the costco website and it’s $200 off but i’m sulking because it’s matte black and i want a colored one

also i’m supposed to be at human resources at 8:30 which is fine but i don’t know where it is other than in the civic center? so i tried to google it so i could get a room number or something so i have a little more direction (i’ve been into the civic center exactly twice: once to see a play when i was about 5 and once to pay a parking ticket when i was 16) but google is like “oh you need the hr department? well it’s in the civic center you silly goose!” and it’s not helpful so i’m trying to figure out how early i wanna get there to find where i’m supposed to be

tomorrow i start my fancy new professional grown up job with the city and i picked out what to wear and i’m very excited but my mom keeps giving me larger and larger purses and tote bags because she thinks i should bring a snack since i don’t know my schedule (”look this one will fit your purse and your water bottle and your notebook and a snack! plus your sweater if you take it off!”) but first of all my purse only looks small and is actually enormous because at the renaissance festival i carried around all my purse things and my liter water bottle and two apple sauces and a bag of goldfish. it killed my shoulder but it worked. anyway i can’t figure out what bag to bring and what kind of snack i should jam into it along with my water bottle and notebook

i bought chocolate chips to use for a glaze for my cake because we never have chocolate chips in the house because these jackals eat them as a snack so i bought some and put them in the cupboard with all the baking supplies because surely if you find something in the cupboard that you didn’t purchase you would ask if it was there with a specific purpose or whether it was up for grabs, right? turns out the answer’s no i have to go to the store because these animals ate all my chocolate chips