don’t reblog – Page 3

sometimes in a situation i think “i haven’t committed any serious wrongs here.” and then i get stressed out because like if everyone thinks that then there’s never going to be any change or improvement, but even trying to see things from other perspectives keeps me thinking that i did right and i worry that i’m blinding myself with my own stubbornness

i used to talk to a particular person every day but time went on and it’s harder to talk every day when you’re 2000 miles and two time zones apart but we still talked a lot. several times a week, usually. and i got frustrated because this particular person is very technologically adverse. it’s easier to stay in touch when you can text and send dumb snapchats to each other when you think of the person. even my grandma emails. but when your only option is phone calls, things can get difficult because phone calls necessitate both people being fee at the same time for along enough period for a conversation.

anyway, i started getting frustrated because every time i called, i would get an answering machine which would be fine if my calls got returned in a timely manner, like 1-2 days. plus if you end a phone call with “i’ll call you tomorrow” i think that you should actually call tomorrow? at the very least send a text or something saying “can’t call today will soon” and that’s fine? i don’t mind being stood up as long as you communicate that it’s happening? you don’t even have to give a reason. but apparently “i don’t like texting” is a valid reason for not returning calls for a week. even my grandma will call back soon and leave a message if she misses me

trying to communicate what i was upset about like an adult wasn’t successful so i said i’d just wait to be called, since me calling never worked out and they were clearly busier than i was. “no, just call me when you’re free” okay but regardless of if i do or not, you’re just going to call at a time that works for you. i’m saving myself time in the long run, and i wish you would just admit that you take forever to call back. i’m not trying to blame you i’d just like to discuss why i’m upset. “well i do think we should talk about it but i only have like 5 minutes right now. i’ll call you tomorrow though.”

every conversation ended up the same and i was just tired? i’m still tired. i don’t think asking to be communicated with and treated like my time is valuable should make me feel like the bad one but it did every time. last conversation we had was over a month ago. it was a few days before my birthday and we talked about how i didn’t have any plans because my mom was out of town and my great aunt was in the hospital in very bad shape. the kind of conversation that usually warrants a follow up, a check in, a happy birthday, even. i sent a text for their birthday a few weeks later, partly to see what would happen, partly because i like to consider myself the kind of good person who doesn’t refuse to send a birthday greeting because they’re upset. no response of any kind.

we used to be best friends. i don’t really know what we are now.

(my great aunt has since passed away. she did so peacefully and we’ve known it was coming for a long time. it was a relief, given the state of her physical and mental health. it was sad but not crushing. i am doing okay, if you were wondering. thank you for your concern, if you were.)

having both some thoughts and some feelings and where better to put those into the Scream Void

on this website we talk a lot about dumping anyone in your life when they become toxic for you and while i think that’s beneficial, we don’t usually talk about what it’s like being on the other side of that. you’re gonna get dumped a lot of times in your life, whether it’s slowly growing apart mutually, or them deciding that this friendship isn’t working for them. it might be acquaintances or fair-weather friends and it might be your best friends.

it’s an opportunity to think critically (after you’ve gone through your stages of grief) about your part in the relationship and what things you can do in your life to improve and be better as a person. and if it happens multiple times it’s good to also think about common denominators between those relationships and whether you’ve done the improving that you wanted to (and if the answer is no, that’s okay! trying is the important part). don’t let the fact that you are a common denominator make you think you’re a bad person. i don’t really have many examples that aren’t vastly personal, but a vague one is that someone kicking me out of their life caused me to realize that i wasn’t thinking about things from their perspective and therefore was unfairly expecting them to do too much for me.

justin mcelroy has this advice about a good marriage, and i think it really applies to most close relationships, which is that both people should feel like they’re doing 60% of the work. (in this context i’m thinking of just emotional labor) if you dump your problems on someone constantly but never take the time to listen to them, or if you’re someone’s shout vase but never talk to them about your issues, neither of those is a good relationship. be kind to each other

(basically i’m having a weird time and i’m tired and i’m sad and i’m doing a preemptive postmortem because (i don’t actually know what i was gonna put after this because i fell asleep for a bit but i don’t know what but it sounds weird without the because have a good day))