Tag: personal

so my dad mountain bikes with a bunch of dudes he met on the internet, most of whom are closer to my age than to his. two of them work at google in boulder, and he asked if i was interested in meeting them for lunch to ask some questions about working there. despite our distant relationship, i said yes because it’s google and it’d be really cool to work there.

i have no idea how to network, or how to prepare for networking because it’s not anything i’ve ever done before so i figured i’d just bring my resume and dress nice and ask questions as i thought of them.

the lunch ended up being me, my dad, his friend dylan, and his friend annie who works in hr there because apparently my dad’s been telling everyone that’s what i’m interested in doing (not that i’m not but i’m not dedicated to going into it? it’d be fine but i’m not that invested? although he is right that it’s about the only thing i could do at google)

anyway we got a tour of the google which was cool and then we went up to the cafe and there were tons of options and i panicked and got a kale salad and pizza because i was so nervous that i was kind of queasy and didn’t want to get something and then not like it and i didn’t realize the salad was mostly kale until i put it into my mouth which was fun.

most of the dinner conversation was dylan asking general questions about hr because he’s a tech guy and knows nothing about it and me occasionally asking questions about how google’s is different than other places, or answering questions about my background or interests. dylan and annie were super nice and suggested a bunch of things and dylan said he’d send me links to some jobs that we’d talked about and then they both had to leave for meetings so my dad and i walked back to our cars together.

at the cars, he told me all the things i’d done wrong, how i hadn’t asked enough questions and hadn’t come prepared so i tried to defend myself and said that i’m good at interviews but i’ve never done networking and he was like “this WAS an interview. it was to see how well you’d fit in here and the results are inconclusive at best” and then he gave me a book about how to apply for any jobs at tech companies and told me that i shouldn’t bother to apply for any of the jobs until i’d read it and then left. (i’ve essentially never expressed interest in working for tech companies? like it’d be cool to work for google but i can’t impress enough that he seems to think it’s some big dream of mine but i’ve at most mentioned it in passing once? it’s like when one time i made a joke about starbucks in front of my aunt about 10 years ago and she’s never given me any gift but starbucks giftcards since?)

anyway i cried the whole way home and then a little bit after i was home and then a little bit more on the way to work and didn’t answer the phone when my dad called and so he left a voicemail and also sent an email where he was like “hey sorry if you’re upset sometimes i care too much and then try too hard” and then he asked if i want to get lunch this weekend before he goes to berlin.

anyway i’m trying to draft a thank you note to dylan who was very nice and helpful and who’s only crime is that he’s weirdly friends with my shitty dad but i just can’t manage this thank you note right now and i’m trying to not worry about when it’s too late to send a thank you note. i’ll probably work on it this weekend i guess.

so at work there’s 4 people currently in training. the two i got hired with are both laterals so they’re zooming through most of training and the last one started around the time we started the hiring process so she’s just starting the last phase of training right now. so basically i’m the only one who is at my stage and i don’t have any idea of how far i’m supposed to be? like everyone’s like “fire training is 5 weeks” and i’m like 3 weeks in i think (time is meaningless and i have no idea how long anything’s been) and i’m definitely learning and progressing but really slowly and i have this terrible fear that they’re gonna fire me because of all the times people have talked about how some people just can’t do it or aren’t making improvements so they were asked to leave because they couldn’t cut it. and i really don’t want that to be me but i don’t know where i’m supposed to be at because i feel like i get a lot of things right but i’m still learning and trying. my trainer’s been here for 5 years and i feel like she expects me to know a lot of things that are second nature to her because of her experience and so i feel stupid when i don’t know. but also i don’t know how to bring it up because it’s just this one big room where anybody’s gonna listen to whatever you say and i cry whenever i try to talk about anything and i don’t want to be the girl at work who cries because i don’t know these people well enough yet to cry in front of them. (nobody really tries to get to know me so i spend a lot of time trying to jump into conversations and chat with people because i want to be friends with people and they’re all good pals but it seems like they have so many people fail out of training that they’re not that invested in getting to know trainees which is fair but sucks for me)

also because of scheduling, this past week and another week coming up, i just keep getting passed to different trainers and it just sucks because everyone keeps talking about how you regress some every time you change trainers and i can’t do anything about it because i’m not going to cancel my primary trainer’s vacation time even if i could because who does that? but it’s just difficult because i feel like i’m not sure if i’m learning sometimes.

most calls i get a lot of things right but not always the same calls. some questions i remember to ask one time i forget the next time because i have a thousand things to think about at any given time and i don’t have the experience to know what’s relevant in every situation. after any given call, my trainer will tell me the things i did wrong and things i forgot and then i write them down in my notebook in the hopes that i will remember next time (and in the hopes that the phone won’t ring until i’m done writing because if i don’t get it written i’m not getting the thought back). anyways today i cried on my lunch break because i took an alarm call today and she told me i did a great job on it. i knew i could do alarm calls well because they’re pretty straight forward but it’s also like the first time that i just got a solid compliment without having to ask for it. also she sat me down seperately and went over my daily report with me and i ended up crying and explaining that i feel like i don’t know where i’m supposed to be at and i feel like i’m progressing but very slowly and she said she’d email and work on setting up a meeting for me with my trainer and the department head. which sounds terrifying but maybe things will start getting better? i’m still doing training for calls while i train for fire but i’d probably go back to just doing calls if they’d let me because i’m not really confident with calls that much at all. only a few kinds and if they’re really straightforward. anyway i’ve been feeling very bad and stupid about work for a good chunk of time now.

sometimes in a situation i think “i haven’t committed any serious wrongs here.” and then i get stressed out because like if everyone thinks that then there’s never going to be any change or improvement, but even trying to see things from other perspectives keeps me thinking that i did right and i worry that i’m blinding myself with my own stubbornness

i used to talk to a particular person every day but time went on and it’s harder to talk every day when you’re 2000 miles and two time zones apart but we still talked a lot. several times a week, usually. and i got frustrated because this particular person is very technologically adverse. it’s easier to stay in touch when you can text and send dumb snapchats to each other when you think of the person. even my grandma emails. but when your only option is phone calls, things can get difficult because phone calls necessitate both people being fee at the same time for along enough period for a conversation.

anyway, i started getting frustrated because every time i called, i would get an answering machine which would be fine if my calls got returned in a timely manner, like 1-2 days. plus if you end a phone call with “i’ll call you tomorrow” i think that you should actually call tomorrow? at the very least send a text or something saying “can’t call today will soon” and that’s fine? i don’t mind being stood up as long as you communicate that it’s happening? you don’t even have to give a reason. but apparently “i don’t like texting” is a valid reason for not returning calls for a week. even my grandma will call back soon and leave a message if she misses me

trying to communicate what i was upset about like an adult wasn’t successful so i said i’d just wait to be called, since me calling never worked out and they were clearly busier than i was. “no, just call me when you’re free” okay but regardless of if i do or not, you’re just going to call at a time that works for you. i’m saving myself time in the long run, and i wish you would just admit that you take forever to call back. i’m not trying to blame you i’d just like to discuss why i’m upset. “well i do think we should talk about it but i only have like 5 minutes right now. i’ll call you tomorrow though.”

every conversation ended up the same and i was just tired? i’m still tired. i don’t think asking to be communicated with and treated like my time is valuable should make me feel like the bad one but it did every time. last conversation we had was over a month ago. it was a few days before my birthday and we talked about how i didn’t have any plans because my mom was out of town and my great aunt was in the hospital in very bad shape. the kind of conversation that usually warrants a follow up, a check in, a happy birthday, even. i sent a text for their birthday a few weeks later, partly to see what would happen, partly because i like to consider myself the kind of good person who doesn’t refuse to send a birthday greeting because they’re upset. no response of any kind.

we used to be best friends. i don’t really know what we are now.

(my great aunt has since passed away. she did so peacefully and we’ve known it was coming for a long time. it was a relief, given the state of her physical and mental health. it was sad but not crushing. i am doing okay, if you were wondering. thank you for your concern, if you were.)

having both some thoughts and some feelings and where better to put those into the Scream Void

on this website we talk a lot about dumping anyone in your life when they become toxic for you and while i think that’s beneficial, we don’t usually talk about what it’s like being on the other side of that. you’re gonna get dumped a lot of times in your life, whether it’s slowly growing apart mutually, or them deciding that this friendship isn’t working for them. it might be acquaintances or fair-weather friends and it might be your best friends.

it’s an opportunity to think critically (after you’ve gone through your stages of grief) about your part in the relationship and what things you can do in your life to improve and be better as a person. and if it happens multiple times it’s good to also think about common denominators between those relationships and whether you’ve done the improving that you wanted to (and if the answer is no, that’s okay! trying is the important part). don’t let the fact that you are a common denominator make you think you’re a bad person. i don’t really have many examples that aren’t vastly personal, but a vague one is that someone kicking me out of their life caused me to realize that i wasn’t thinking about things from their perspective and therefore was unfairly expecting them to do too much for me.

justin mcelroy has this advice about a good marriage, and i think it really applies to most close relationships, which is that both people should feel like they’re doing 60% of the work. (in this context i’m thinking of just emotional labor) if you dump your problems on someone constantly but never take the time to listen to them, or if you’re someone’s shout vase but never talk to them about your issues, neither of those is a good relationship. be kind to each other

(basically i’m having a weird time and i’m tired and i’m sad and i’m doing a preemptive postmortem because (i don’t actually know what i was gonna put after this because i fell asleep for a bit but i don’t know what but it sounds weird without the because have a good day))