So I work a retail job on top of many other jobs, and these two girls were in and out of my store at least 8 times. Which is sketchy and pretty much a give away that they were quite obviously stealing things, I’d see them stick their hands in their pockets or in their bags, but I was the only person at work today so I couldn’t stop checking people out in order to confront them…..which im sure they noticed.
Fast forward a few hours when they finally come back in, they had decided to purchase something to seem less suspicious. A 4$ pair of pearl earrings. At this point there is no one else in the store so I think Game On.
While they were scanning the shelves for anything else they might want, I’m looking at their pockets. I can clearly see the small ring through the fabric that they swiped earlier, the outline of tags shoved in their back pockets, amateurs.
Now for those of you that don’t know, I was stranded in Ireland for about a month with little to no money when I was a teenager and had to resort to being shady to get by till my cousin got me a ticket home.
Long story short, I am an excellent pick pocket. But I only use my powers for good instead of evil now.
So I followed them around the store pretending to bump into them as I put items back on the shelves, I stole NOT ONLY the product that they took, but everything in their back pockets. Now before you wag your finger at me just hold on a minute. They come to the register to get the one item they decided to pay for, and I’m smiling the whole time.
I tell them they price and then…I wait.
The one girl frantically patted her pockets, clearly confused and she looked at the other girl to ask “Where’s my money at?” This girl is clearly upset at this point and I suggested “Oh hey maybe you dropped it?” in the most sincere retail voice I can force my vocal cords to produce. Her and her friend drop to their knees and start searching for it. I let them continue like that for 10 minutes before I tell them that I had found it earlier and forgotten.
“You really should be careful the more you have in your pockets the easier it is for your money to fall out :)))))” I say, the statement unnerved them, they didn’t know if i KNEW or not. But they awkwardly shook it off with a laugh and I start to ring up the earrings again. BUT THIS TIME, I reach over the counter and start to ring up the items I had taken from their pockets. I dropped the tags on the counter and the merchandise hit the table hard, just like these girls mouths hit the floor.
You should have seen their faces it looked like someone had sucked the very essence right from their bodies. “Oh no she did not.” The one girl whispered as she checked her pockets yet again. Yes, Yes I did 🙂 i’m beaming, their reaction added ten years to my lifespan. They apologize, laughing it off like it was a funny joke. But I’m not done yet.This time I look them dead in the eyes and go “Would you like me to ring out whats in your bags too before security gets here?”
Shock, pure dismay and anguish come over them, they look at each other. Each of them looks at me like I have personally came and shot their dogs. I AM LIVING, I’m reveling in the situation. Slowly, they lift their bags and dump out more products than Mary Poppins could shove in her bottomless purse. I start ringing it all up. They look horrified. A total of 400$ worth of items. I hold the fate of these girls in my hands and they know it. Over 200$ is a felony larceny charge. But I think they have suffered enough and jail is not fun so I present the ultimatum.
“You buy it all and I’ll let you go.”
and that is how I made all my sales goals and fucked with some shoplifters.
Holy shit ur my idol, that was so beautiful I might cry
once I was hanging out with a blacksmith while he worked his 19th century forge and he was shaping some iron or w/e and a piece of red-hot flack ended up flying down my throat and as I was suffering and drinking All The Water from his bottle he gave me he looked at me very seriously and said
“you know what this means, right? it’s in your blood now. you’re gonna be called to be a blacksmith.”
I have not stopped thinking about this for two years bc what did he mean?? ? ??
What if one day I’m married and I have children and I just wake up in the night and walk out of my house barefoot in my pajamas to the nearest forge and I’m missing for 10 years and then one day my wife and my grown children see me at a black smithing demonstration and they call out my name
but I don’t remember who they are.
All I know is the forge.
actually this is a whole other story bc I went to school down the street from a little 19th century village and all the buildings were actually from the like 1860s which is Very Old for the US and I was TOLD the blacksmith was supposed to be there on Saturdays but sometimes he wasn’t and sometimes he was and sometimes he was the ONLY one there with no other events going on and as far as I could ever figure out he was actually just the ghost of a long-dead smith who manifested physically at random and they made up a schedule as a cover-up and just hoped he’d follow it enough to pass as a sort of unreliable but Definitely Alive modern man.
“I’ve NEVER. Eaten a DONUT. In my ENTIRE LIFE. And I’mNOT. About to start NOW.”
-Crazy customer I had today, upon being offered a complimentary donut
Why is this a real thing that happened in the real world what’s the meaning of this
I’m just gonna copy paste the story here from discord because honestly the whole story is worth hearing
so lady comes through drive thru. “Hi what can I get for you?” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese.” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese, sure no problem, can I get you anything else today?” “No” “Alright, you can pull up” and I just hear this quiet disgrunted “ ‘Please’ ?”
I’m like uhhhhh, was that even directed at me, I don’t know, I don’t know how to respond to that so I just ignore it like I didn’t hear it. I go up to the window and see this woman, which she honestly looked like a tomato with messy gray hair. Before I have the window halfway open I see her roll her eyes at me so I’m like oh boy here we go, time to put on the stupid sweet customer voice
“Hi how are you today?”
She hands me the money for her bagel and goes “Just a tip. It’s ‘Please pull up to the window.’ not ‘pull up.’ I found that incredibly rude.”
I go “I’m sorry about that, I didn’t intend for that to be rude, I just meant that it was okay to pull up to the window now.” “I know what you meant. But it was rude.” “Well, I apologize. Here’s your bagel, have a great day.” She goes “I’m a MYSTERY SHOPPER.” (If you don’t have Mystery shoppers where you are, it’s kind of like undercover boss where the store owner hires someone through the Mystery shopper program and they place a regular order just to make sure people are following policy) I’m like “… ok”
So I’m about to tell my boss and coworker what just happened when she comes in. And I jump to the front counter because no way I’m letting her talk to my boss before I do.
“Hi, can I help you?” “Yes. This bagel was supposed to be NOT toasted. You toasted it.” “Ohh, I’m so sorry about that! I didn’t hear that. I’ll make you a new one right now.” Coworker beats me to the bagel and I say “A little extra cream cheese on that.” She looks at my boss “She just said a LITTLE cream cheese. I wanted EXTRA cream cheese.” Boss goes “Oh, she said a little extra cream cheese.” “Oh”
Boss goes into kiss ass mode as well and says, “I’m sorry about the mistake, would you like a donut?” Lady goes “I’ve never. Eaten a donut. In my ENTIRE LIFE. and I’m NOT. About to start NOW.” Boss is like “… ok” and we’re all internally going sdhakgsdgkja?
So we get the bagel out and she says to my boss “And I have one more thing to say.” She leans in with a sneer. “Mystery shopper.” boss goes “We don’t do that here.” “yea you do.” “No we don’t.” “yea you do.” “Have a good day.”
Basically we’re pretty sure the lady was crazy and she was absolutely lying because Mystery shoppers are not allowed to tell you that they’re mystery shoppers, and they aren’t allowed to coach you. And even if she was, “please” is not one of the things they look for. They look for a Greeting, whether or not you repeated the order and the price back, and whether or not you upsold. We haven’t participated in the program in over 7 years.
We met in school! 🙂 we actually lived in the same neighborhood for a year or so long before that, it’s pretty funny–
This is the story of how we DIDN’T meet.
The middle school was within walking distance from that neighborhood, and in Florida it was really common for people to have fruit trees in their yards, and my favorite were loquats, which are hard to find in stores.
So little eleven year old me saw no problem snagging a small handful from someone’s backyard tree, especially when the tree produced more than anyone could eat, as evident by some having dropped to the ground.
The first couple times I was really cautious, making sure no one saw me, checking the porch chairs, the hammock. But with time, i grew lax… and one day when I was grabbing a couple, someone suddenly sat up in the hammock! I immediately bolted of course.
Time went on and of course over the years I’d more or less forgotten about the incident. I had moved away, moved again, moved back to the same town… Now my wife and I are in high school and dating, and it’s gotten pretty serious.
We were driving by going to the post office, and she told me she used to live in that neighborhood. I said that was funny, i did too! We kept talking and realized that it was even at the same time.
Then she pointed out the house she used to live in, and I laughed a little and mentioned that I used to steal fruits from that house. She started telling me a funny story about how one night she decided to sleep in the hammock out there and saw somebody take off running from the back yard.
I remember when I was little my dad hated me going in the basement and he knew I was deathly afraid of the pokemon hitmonlee so he ripped the hitmonlee page out of my pokedex book and pinned it to the corkboard at the bottom of the stairs and I didn’t go down there for three years I was so scared
apparently someone left their iphone in our store. the phone was found by a woman, henceforth known as “Terrible Lady,” when Phone Owner set off the “find my iphone” alarm. the alarm is accompanied by a “please contact this # if found” message. Terrible Lady utilizes this number to text Phone Owner, demanding $100 in return for the phone. Phone Owner says they can’t afford it, there’s some back and forth, etc. etc., and eventually Phone Owner threatens to call the cops.
Terrible Lady brings the phone (which is still making the obnoxious “find my iphone” noise, and continues to do for the duration of the encounter) to my register, complaining about the audacity of Phone Owner, as if refusing to pay the $100 is an egregious personal insult. i “mhm” a lot, silently judging her, but relieved she has sensibly decided to release the phone into the store’s custody so we can return it to Phone Owner without further drama.
LMAO WRONG
fifteen minutes later, after she has checked out, she comes by my register just long enough to say “make sure she pays the $100, i’ll call to see when i need to come pick it up!” and is out the door before i can even process the fact that this women genuinely thinks that the burlington fucking coat factory is going to be the middleman for her definitely unethical and most likely illegal lost iphone extortion scheme. (side note: i looked this up once i got home from work, and it turns out that, yeah, it’s totally illegal in our state)
sure enough, an hour later, Terrible Lady calls: “hi, is this cashier #5? [that’s not my name but thanks] has she brought the $100 yet??”
there are like 2 cashiers on duty and 20 people in line. i beg my manager to take the call, which: smart move. because my manager ends up on the phone with Terrible Lady for 20 minutes, telling her that we will, under no circumstances, require Phone Owner to pay $100 before we give them the phone. eventually, Terrible Lady realizes we mean business, and SHE threatens to call the cops on US because we took the phone from her “under false pretenses”
Fun family story: when my aunt was marrying her wife everyone was really excited but also dreading it because my aunt is known for her insanely long speeches so everyone knew her vows would be like 9 hours long so when it came time for her to say her vows she had a shit ton of cue cards in her hands and even her wife started groaning and my aunt took a deep inhale and then unravelled all the cue cards which were taped together and they all just read ‘HOT DAMN’ in giant letters and those were my aunts vows.
when we met a few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night and instead of just peeing in the woods like usual I left the tent and stumbled all the way to the bathroom and when I came back @glumshoe was walking around by the lake with a flashlight bc he got worried I sleep-walked into the water so 10/10 caring attentive considerate friend who apparently thinks I’m such a heavy sleeper that literally plunging into a lake wouldn’t wake me up.
Tbh molly anne I feel like you wouldn’t either
FUN MOLLY ANNE LORE:
I am actually an EXTREMELY light sleeper. It makes life pretty hard sometimes honestly. Also, if I’ve been asleep at least three hours, I don’t go back to sleep once I’m woken up.
It’s miserable and people who live with me learn quickly to tread lightly by my room out of respect.
listen I was sleep-stupid and half-dreaming, to be fair I thought it was equally likely that you’d been kidnapped by aliens or whisked away by the Wild Hunt and I was maybe going to have to put on my mantle green and pull you from the white steed to save you, maybe wrestle a shapeshifting lion
I mean if you can’t find molly anne I was once taking about owing her some baked goods and then immediately heard her yell “HEY THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT ME” in an extremely crowded hallway
I just HAPPENED TO PASS you in a crowded convention when you said you had cookies for me. it was FATE
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