Tag: the onion
VANCOUVER, WA—Cringing at the pitiful attempt to gain attention by trying to appear edgy and shocking, sources confirmed Monday that a stunted 56-year-old is still writing Chuck Palahniuk novels. “It’s one thing to write that shit when you’re still in your 20s, but he’s old enough now that it’s actually kind of pathetic,” said local man Ryan Fields, who figured that someone in their mid-50s would be too mature to be penning stories about wanton violence and needless gore. “He’s obsessed with these juvenile narratives about fighting and gross bodily functions, but it’s all just pulp entertainment with no real value. Man, it’s so embarrassing. Just grow up, dude.” At press time, sources expressed hope that the immature 56-year-old would stop acting so childish and finally write a few George Saunders books.
Men’s Wearhouse Introduces Clip-On Trousers For Guys Who Never Learned How To Put On Pants
HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing experience,” said Tailored Brands CEO Douglas Ewart, telling reporters that the slacks would be available in slim, long-rise, and classic fits and include a variety of colors and patterns for any possible occasion. “In the ’50s, societal norms required men to wear pants to work, to church, even to the grocery store, but since that’s no longer the case, it makes sense that many men never bothered learning how to put them on. We want to let our customers know that on those special occasions when they need to get dressed up below the waist, there’s no shame in using clip-on trousers. They look great and feel great. In fact, I’m wearing them right now.” Ewart added that if the pants proved a success, the company planned on adding a line of slip-on tuxedos with snap buttons.
Met Janitors Hurrying To Remove Crucified Katy Perry From Museum Lobby
NEW YORK—Frantically tidying up after last night’s star-studded, Catholic-art-themed fundraiser, staff janitors reportedly rushed to remove Katy Perry from a crucifix hanging on a wall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s lobby Tuesday. “Come on, guys, let’s move—somebody find a pry bar so we can get these nails out of [Perry’s] palms and feet,” said custodian Demetri Caldwell, hastily ushering hungover A-listers through a back exit as tourists filed into the museum’s front entrance. “We need to finish scrubbing the room in the basement where they set those lions on Frances McDormand and Elon Musk, and someone still needs to clean up over there in the corner where they beheaded George Clooney. We won’t have time to mop all the blood off this European religious portraiture, but the Sacred Heart of Jesus is supposed to be bleeding, right?” At press time, sources confirmed janitors were rushing to clean the gift shop after a group of fourth-graders on a school trip stumbled upon an apoplectic Lana Del Rey, who was foaming at the mouth and appeared to be undergoing an exorcism.
FISHKILL, NY—In a hastily assembled tribunal during which his traveling companions unanimously handed down the punishment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local friend Brendan Doctson was dishonorably discharged from his navigating duties after causing them to miss an exit. “In light of his gross misconduct in failing to warn us that we should take exit 38 until we had already passed it, we have relieved Brendan of his duties, effective immediately,” said driver Corey Pierce, who officially stripped the disgraced Doctson of his title and rank and relegated him to the back seat for the remainder of the trip. “After receiving a formal warning to stop picking songs on Spotify and focus on the directions, Brendan causing us to miss an exit was simply a step too far. He has made his comrades all late with his negligence, and his conduct is unbefitting of a road-trip navigator. We will not be considering reinstatement at this time.” Following Doctson’s discharge, friend Marshall Anderson was issued control of the driver’s iPhone during a brief ceremony in a KFC parking lot off of exit 41.
MINNEAPOLIS—Despite making an effort to acknowledge that both institutions bring something special to the table, combination Taco Bell/KFC manager Frank Moroni, 38, told reporters yesterday that he considers his franchise to be mostly a Taco Bell. “Listen, I would never discuss this with the customers because I have my professional impartiality to maintain, but, honestly, it’s Taco Bell that does the heavy lifting,” said Moroni, adding that while an occasional patron may order a side of chicken tenders to complement their Crunchwrap Supreme, the vast majority of diners completely ignore the KFC portion of his restaurant. “Sometimes, we’ll get a big line of people in front of one of our two registers and have to remind them that both lanes offer Taco Bell. In fact, I can’t remember the last time someone came up here and ordered nothing but a standard 16-piece chicken meal. That’s why when I hire somebody, I’m not looking for a KFC guy. The spirit of this place is definitely Taco Bell.” Moroni, who said that the matter was “insignificant and irrelevant,” refused to discuss the fact that his establishment has been offering Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizzas for years.
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