CHICAGO—Worrying that he could be caught off guard anywhere, at any time, area man Dan Moritz on Friday was reportedly afraid some woman might come out of the woodwork to hold him accountable for something. “I’m honestly starting to get a little freaked out that a woman could, out of nowhere, start demanding that I take responsibility for something that I absolutely did,” said Moritz, adding that he had no way of knowing if the woman who would suddenly hold him responsible for his actions would be a female friend, coworker, or even a woman he met only once at a party. “I can’t shake the fear that, one day, I’m just minding my own business when I’m blindsided by a woman who’s spent possibly years building up the courage to confront me with something horrible that was definitely my fault.” Moritz went on to say that while he was anxious, all he could do was hope for the best and just keep living his life as he always had.
BALTIMORE—Running counter to the generally accepted theory that the organ is merely vestigial, doctors at Johns Hopkins University said Wednesday that the purpose of the appendix is actually to contain the human soul. “After decades of presuming that it no longer had any real function, we were shocked to discover that the appendix is in fact the body’s one and only vessel for a person’s eternal spirit,” said Dr. Helen Kimbrel, adding that while the small abdominal organ is now believed to house a human being’s very essence, it may also have had a dual function millions of years ago of helping hominids digest leaves and tree bark. “And far more than a mere inflammation, it appears that diseases like appendicitis are actually a corruption of the everlasting soul we are all imbued with at birth. As we continue to find out more about the appendix, we may in fact learn that it’s one of the few truly indispensable organs.” Dr. Kimbrel went on to say that despite this new knowledge, there was nothing that could be done to fix the soulless automatons who have already had their appendixes surgically removed.
I need people to understand that the viral onion article that’s going around has been posted five times over the years, always verbatim except for the name of the city and number of dead.
PROVIDENCE, RI—Realizing the depths of her mistake far too late, local woman Alicia Cohen quietly admitted to herself, “Twas hubris led me here,” as she sat naked on a public toilet with her romper around her ankles, sources said Wednesday. “What hath my conceit wrought but ruin as I sit naked and discomfited upon this most unclean privy,” said Cohen, shivering upon the women’s restroom toilet with her one-piece garment pooled at her feet. “Vanity’s fool am I! Brought low as dust by folly, low as the once fine fabric that now lies crumpled before mine eyes.” At press time, Cohen was cursing a broken shoe heel and the “credulous newborn babe undone by faith foul misplaced in an outlet mall.”
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Offering immediate, over-the-counter relief to anyone suffering from a sudden misalignment of the four temperaments, Tylenol released its new black bile gel caps on Tuesday for people with unbalanced humors. “Simply take two bile caps when you feel a choleric disposition coming on, and you’ll start to notice harmony restored to the body and spirit within minutes,” said spokesperson Jamie Suarez, adding that each capsule is filled with enough of the melancholic element to draw out any predominance of yellow bile, blood, or phlegm, restoring physical, mental, and emotional vitality for up to 12 hours. “In addition to black bile gummies for children, it will also come in an extra-strength formula for people whose infirmities of constitution stem from even the most severe manners of dyscrasia and bodily imbalances.” Suarez went on to say that Tylenol has plans to complement the gel caps with soon-to-be-released home bloodletting and fire cupping kits.
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