my friend called me on the phone from the library to tell me he’d been chased by a mountain lion and he thought he might have vomited up blood and I was in the middle of scrubbing my car and having a heat stroke god my life keeps getting fucking weirder
mind you this is my friend who is the total chronic disaster who got into that knife fight in the middle school parking lot so I’m used to giving him shitty advice but this summer since I don’t talk on the phone he texts me every other day with some new terrible strange twist that has happened in his life like “my girlfriend almost got kidnapped” “there are three centipedes in my bed!” “I almost got mugged again” like normally I would just go help him but I’m 4 hours away now and it’s like he forgets GXHRVGSHFV
your friend is a protagonist
this I’m aware of I’m his sidekick and the epitome of the nerd best friend archetype but still it is my civic duty to complain
at work we have a bartender named tyler and he collects wine corks so we put them in a little box for him and another bartender makes fun of him cause his t’s look like l’s so she wrote “lyler’s corks” and i saw it this morning and i grabbed a marker and changed the ‘c’ to a ‘g’
and after he left a bartender came up to me and said “aww lyler left his gorks” and i lost it
im gonna take this moment and do something I’ve been meaning to for a while now
I’d like to clear the air and clarify my stance because I know a lot of you are probably wanting to know this too, so here it is
i don’t LIKE elmo. i wouldn’t even say he’s one of my top ten muppets I’d hang out with. he’s a benevolent chaos god in the body of a four year old, and he quite possibly has the ability to overcome death it’s self as evidence by his goldfish being alive for 25 fucking years
BUT for this very reason, I RESPECT elmo. he’s cheerful, regardless of what lays under his decieving fur, he loves kids, and most importantly he is RED. (A trait I both appreciate, and admire)
i don’t like Elmo. I respect him. Would I hang out with him? Probably not.
I hope this clears stuff up and if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up! I don’t mind clarifying if you still are confused
im so fucking sorry this was supposed to go on my puppet blog oh my god
I’m ngl I saw a big block of text and was totally prepared to just scroll right on by when the words “I RESPECT Elmo” just grabbed me by the shirt collar and shook me down for spare change
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